Excessive snowboarding pictures, toothpasted mirror selfies and shredded torso’s galore.
By Isobel Armstrong.
This is my Carrie Bradshaw moment. After redownloading and spending approximately 36 hours on everyone’s favourite late night app, riding the first high of Superlike-fuelled validation and, to quoth Shakespeare, dodging the various slings and arrows of outrageous misogyny- I’ve come to a definitive conclusion. These are the bio’s that have resurfaced again and again and again since I began swiping at 1 AM AWST (UTC +8:00) on 29/05/17.
As a straight cis female, I swiped through both the male and female options available to me for good coverage. These common examples aren’t by any means representative of the whole Tinder community. But I’d say, much like Paw Paw Ointment or how much everyone seems to LOVE DOGS these days, they’re widely applicable. (By the way- that’s a bonus one. WE GET IT. DOGS ARE CUTE. STOP USING IT TO GET LAID.)
So without further ado…
Wanderlust <3 / I love adventures / Travel (*globe emoji*)
Ok. Thanks for the update, Columbus. People like to travel. You went to some totally sickkkkkk coffee shops in Amsterdam, crashed a moped in Bali and got a singlet from a bar crawl in Koh Rong led by some guy from Sydney named Josh who “just loves the island life” (and mushy shakes, and white person dreads). I don’t mean to be rude, but this bio is the second largest blanket adjective you can apply to yourself. You like travel? Wow, that’s insane, we have so much in common! I have this weird knack for breathing air, do you? Now, if this is part of your bio, alongside some witty remark or some more specific detail about yourself, that’s cool. But if it’s your whole bio, all you’ve done is convince me you’re going to be staying in, saving money for your next trip, and then jetting off at any given moment, guys and gals alike. Swipe left!
I love music
See how I just said “Travel bug / wanderlust / adventure lover” is the second largest blanket adjective you can apply to yourself? “I love music” is the first. Again, if I see a bio that just says “I love music” with a couple treble clef emojis, I’m swiping left. Music is also generally pleasing to my ears. I now know nothing about you except that you’re kinda cute, and maybe there’s some toothpaste in your mirror selfie. Give me a Spotify Anthem at least!
Excessive snowboarding pictures
WE CANT SEE YOUR FACE. YOU ARE WEARING A SKI MASK. YOU ARE WEARING A HELMET ON TOP OF YOUR SKI MASK. YOU ARE WEARING LARGE PUFFY PANTS. YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAFFIC CONE AT WORST AND A MULTICOLOUR PUFF PASTRY SLENDERMAN AT BEST.
PS don’t know why everyone keeps asking if this is a fake account haha? :)
So you’re a bit ripped. Nay, you are absolutely shredded. Zyzz is proud of you for carrying on his legacy- the legacy of aesthetics, that is. Your Tinder is a gallery of YOU, a simple showcase of your best work. That’s awesome, you worked super hard on something, and I think that’s great. You have a godly physique, of course people are going to question it’s legitimacy. But if your bio says anything along the lines of “not a fake account haha”, you better believe I’m swiping left! If you didn’t want people to think the account was fake, maybe you’d consider not using 6 photos of your headless torso? Seeing your face, your friends, even your bloody dog would help alleviate the vibe that we’re going to take a long drive in a white windowless van together.
Romantic mushy bs pick up line
While slightly better than just saying “Hey”, if we match you send a line that sounds like John Green wrote it in a bestselling YA novel, I’m gonna say thank you but I probably won’t continue the conversation. It’s super sweet and I do appreciate it, but it freaks me out a little. You don’t know me! How do you know my eyes shine like the stars on a moonless night? How do you know my skin is as soft as velvet? Wait- h- how do you know where I live? How did you get into my house…?
Beers / footy / tha BOIS
This just causes me to predict that we’re going to have an argument about feminism or immigration policies. That could just be me though, a certified tree hugging leftie, scourge of the PerthNow Facebook commentators!
On top of that, it’s another set of blanket adjectives. Australia loves beers. Australia loves footy. Australia loves THA BOIS. Be specific!
Nope. If your bio is overtly sexual, or your opening line is, I’m out. I’m a very sex positive person! Tinder is great for casual hook ups, and if that’s what you want, go get it! But I’d be infinitely more inclined to talk about this when we’ve known each other for longer than 3.7 seconds. Ask what somebody is looking for first. There’s NOTHING worse than receiving unsolicited sexts via the Tinder app. A one way ticket to Unmatchville. If it looks like it would rake in the likes on a Yeah The Boys / Dont Dog The Boys Facebook page, avoid it.
Just a whole string of emojis
Smiley face, shakkas hand, surfboard, treble clef, plane, tree, wine glass, puppy. Did I guess right? Well, Im guessing left now. Swipe! You told me nothing about yourself, except that you have opposable thumbs and have been successfully indoctrinated to the Apple/iPhone capitalist domination agenda. Two qualities I do admire in a prospective partner, but I need a little more.
Thanks, but I’m not interested in selling Herbalife or Scentsy. I bet you have a Live, Love, Laugh sign in your Bentley sharehouse. I bet you love minions un-ironically. And I’d bet my bottom dollar that you used to spend the inter-school sports carnival skipping down the race track arm in arm with your friend singing “We’re off the see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!”. Live, love, laugh your way off my screen.
Just here for a laugh / my mate made this account for me…
CONFESS. YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE. YOU DID THIS. It’s 2017. Can everyone stop acting like using the Internet to form meaningful (or meaningless) relationships is intrinsically bad or embarrassing? We’re all out here! Your parents used Internet dating! RSVP is full of lovely leathery ladies looking for love! Before that, people put ads in the newspaper. That’s kind of worse, isn’t it? Shake off your millennial shame!
You’ve got this!