Ah, the 950, an arduous, bumpy bus ride through Perth’s delicious streets. It’ll give you sweeping views of the Swan and take you all the way down Beaufort. I’ve heard at least two people describe it as the best bus in the world, so you know it must be true.
I’ve spent half my damn life on that bus route, and I’d like to introduce you to some of Perth’s finest.
This middle-aged lady sat down next to me as I was finishing a doob at a bus stop on Beaufort Street. Evidently not bothered, she straight up asked for some of my corn chips and launched into a story about the 80’s tribute band she’d seen that night. Sharing conversation and guacamole with a stranger at the bus stop? My stoned brain could barely handle it. Is this what it means to be a part of a community? Is this what happens when you put your phone down and connect? I could see it all unfolding before my eyes: we would become fast friends, trying all of Perth’s Mexican restaurants together. Perhaps I’d be invited around for Christmas and her whole family would love me?!
Somehow, it was not meant to be. She went home to her kids, and I went home for Second Dinner, but I know we’ll always have that time together. This mum gets 5/5 stars for giving me a meaningless epiphany.
Perth froths a bit of the dardy shardy. Can you claim to have lived in our beautiful city if you haven’t been yelled at by at pipped up mate on Transperth property? So far, I’ve managed to coexist peacefully with our city’s meth enthusiasts, but this lady gets 0 stars for scaring the shit out of me. She approached me to yell at me for being on my phone, and then screamed some more when I started reading instead.
I decided to find 30 (more minutes to live) by walking to the next bus stop. As I left, she started forcing endless rounds of double-handed high-fives on the guy who’d been sitting next to me. He looked confused, but not like he feared for his life, so I’m upping this lady to 1/5 stars for finding a less terrifying outlet for her aggression.
Ah, Marissa. She was my dream Transperth passenger and the intrepid traveller I wish I had the money to be. Marissa was in town for a week – en route to Bali from Hawaii – and regaled me with stories of the disappointing Perth men she’d met and the Narcotics Anonymous meetings she’d been attending. She was rocking fluffy orange earrings and gave me her number so we could hang out sometime. I give Marissa 5/5 stars for immediately wanting to be my friend.
Angry Man No. 426,387
This year, I caught the bus on my 21st birthday (clearly no one bought me a car) and encountered a classic Transperth staple: The Man Who Yells. A solid 20 minutes went by with old mate yelling ‘FUCK’ at 30 second intervals, and I was loving every second of it. Who doesn’t wish they could scream into the void? ‘This guy gets it’ is what I’m sure we were all thinking.
The bus was full of students, and as we passed the sign for UWA, he announced it as, ‘The University of Western Australia, the University for C**TS and WANKERS’. Classic stuff. As we silently shuffled past him to attend our esteemed place of higher learning, I smiled, hoping to silently express my gratitude for the entertainment he’d brought me. Upon catching my eye, he asked ‘what the fuck are you smiling at, you four eyed slut?’, and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly seen.
Already well on his way to 5 stars for pure entertainment value, I’m upping his score to 1 million stars out of 5 for calling me a slut on my birthday.
Every Bus Driver Who’s Ever Let Me On For Free
These guys really are modern day heroes. Don’t have enough change? They’ll wave you on for free. Too much change? They’ll wave you on for free! Exactly the right change?! They don’t care! Just hurry up and get on the bus. I don’t know what’s up with these guys, but they are maniacs, acting with reckless abandon and unpredictable kindness in the normally cut-throat world of Transperth customer service. They don’t give a fuck, an approach I appreciate and try to bring to every aspect of my own life.
Infinite stars out of 5 for the bus drivers of the 950, I love you guys.